A Lesson on Teaching About Racism

I ran across a letter in an online advice column that couldn't have a more timely message on teaching our kids about racism:

Dear XXXX, 

 I have a son with 7-year-old fraternal twin boys and a 5-year-old girl. I am Black, my husband was white, and our son married a white woman, “Greta,” so my grand kids look white as if they have no Black ancestry at all.  I live nearby, and they often call upon me to babysit. As you can imagine, when we go out people assume that I am their maid or au pair or some other nonsense. 

While annoying, I don’t really care about minor inconveniences like that after having dealt with a lifetime of more aggressive racism, but I want to find a way to talk to my grand kids about it. I talked to my son about racism when he was growing up because that was something I anticipated him experiencing. But his kids look white, and when he is with them he looks white too. I have no idea how to word things in a way that my white grand kids can understand. 

Unfortunately, Greta is really hesitant about me talking about race with my grand kids. She feels I would be making them feel emotions they aren’t ready to handle. I know that in school they learn about racism, but they tend to emphasize the historical part and don’t really mention or acknowledge the racism that happens today. But my grand kids still see inequalities in society. The 5-year-old confided in me that her friend was being teased because she wore hearing aids and how that was really unfair because her friend already has a difficult life because of her hearing and sight disabilities. I want my grand kids to understand why other people treat me unfairly for the color of my skin just like how they understand why their sister’s friend is being treated unfairly for her disabilities. How to tell them in a manner that still appeases Greta’s fragile sensibilities? —Time to Have the Racism Talk 

Dear Time, 

Good grief, if I had a dollar every time I heard a white person say that talking to their kids about racism would make them uncomfortable, my two kids would have their college tuition paid for and my garage would be filled with gold chains and jet skis.  

I was first called the N-word by a white person when I was 9 years old. I wonder if Greta cares about how uncomfortable that made me  I wonder if Greta cares about how uncomfortable my mom felt when she cried in front of me after I immediately told her about the confrontation. 

As you know all too well as a grown Black woman, Black kids learn to deal with the discomfort of racism before they learn about fractions and long division. It’s high time that white parents stop clutching their pearls about how their white children (or white-passing children) will feel about the topic, and get them into the fight to stop racism forever. 

Here’s the bad news—as much as I want to say that you should sit your grand kids down and spill everything you know about what it’s truly like to be Black in America, you have to respect the wishes of their parents. So with that in mind, your energy should be directed toward Greta and your son to try to get them onboard. In doing so, you can mention how people often view you as the babysitter or maid and how that can be confusing to kids who view you as their loving grandmother if they don’t understand the context behind it. You can also say that they are contributing to the problem of racism by ignoring it and kicking the can down the road until a time when they’re “ready to process racism” (spoiler alert: kids can process racism when they’re kindergartners). 

Here’s a friendly reminder—racism doesn’t continue to exist because we talk about it all of the time. Racism doesn’t exist because Black and Brown folks are crying for equality at every turn. Racism exists because too many good people sit around and do nothing to stop it. Ask Greta if she wants her kids to be a part of the solution or if she wants them to be a part of the problem. Also, you really need to appeal to your son here.  The dude is half-Black!  His mama is Black!  How can he possibly look you in the eye and say that teaching his kids about racism can wait until later?  He should know better, and it would be shameful if he doesn’t. 

After you go through all of that, my hope is your son and Greta will get onboard. If for some reason they don’t, then you’ll have to let it go—at least for now. The bottom line is that just like sex, drugs, and other things out there in the world, your kids will learn about them from other sources if they aren’t being taught about them at home. Wouldn’t it make sense for your grand kids to learn about racism from the people who love them the most?