Happy Birthday Johann Sebastian Bach

Serving Up Some Fresh Graft In A Bowl

The Bowl Championship Series is so troubled by the graft exposed in the just-released Fiesta Bowl corruption report that it appointed a special “task force.”   Problem is, one of the members of the task force  is an athletics director who accepted a free Caribbean cruise from the Orange Bowl just last summer.

But back to the corruption report from the Fiesta Bowl-- who by the way, just fired its longtime CEO John Lunker-- in part,  because of the eye-popping way his bowl game was run – $1,200 strip-joint bills tend to generate a lot of negative press.

The corruption report itself revealed a bowl game involved in illegal political donations, massive kickbacks to college administrators and obscene financial abuse. In just one example, the Fiesta paid Junker’s membership at four separate country clubs in three states. 

Isn't about time the NCAA shut down all these crooked, backwater bowl games and install an official playoff system like it has in all its other collegiate sports?  For goodness sakes, certainly the NCAA has demonstrated it has the clout to do such a thing . . . so what is it waiting for?

Which Doctor? The Fake One, Of Course

A Tanzanian pastor has asked people to stop coming to his remote home for a "miracle cure" after thousands flocked there, causing chaos in the surrounding area.

76-year-old Reverend Ambilikile "Babu" Mwasapile says he does not want any new arrivals until after Friday April 1st, in order to let the crowds die down.  Local media report that about 52 people have died while waiting to see him.  At last report, the line to see the Reverend stretches for over 16 miles. 

Mwasapile's "miracle" concoction is made from herbs and water, which he sells for 500 Tanzanian shillings (30 cents).  Some of these have died before seeing him, while others are reported to have died after taking his concoction.

In 2009, the government outlawed all witchdoctors and traditional healers.  Nevertheless, Prime Minister Mizengo Pinda said he would not take any action to stop  Mwasapile's activities.

Chinese Parents Overfeed Kid And Wonder Why He's Fat

At 132 pounds, a three-year-old Chinese boy is already five times the size of a normal child his age. When Lu Hao was born he weighed just 5.7 pounds. However, from the time he was three months old he began to gain weight rapidly.

According to the boy's parents, no matter how hard the family restricts Hao's diet and pushes him to exercise more,  the toddler has still managed to put on 22 pounds in the past year.

The three-year-old toddler eats a staggering three bowls of rice when he sits down for a family meal. According to Hao's mother Chen Yuan, "We have to let him be as if we don't feed him he will cry non-stop."  Hao hates walking and each day his mother takes him to kindergarten on a motorcycle.  "He is quite happy that I could ride him to kindergarten instead of walking him there," said Yuan.

To push Hao to do more sports, the family installed a basketball hoop in the yard and often take him to swim in a local river.  But according to his parents, the exercise just makes him hungrier and results in him putting on more weight.

"We took him to three hospitals and one said he has a tumor in the head, while the other two said there is no tumour in the head,' said his father Yuncheng. "Doctors said his hormones are at a normal level. It's hard to know why he could be so big."

Note from the Daily Dude:  Maybe it's because you FEED HIM SO GODDAM MUCH!

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New Meaning For "Mass Services"

A study conducted by Northwestern University found that young adults who attended religious events were far more likely to become obese than those who didn't, according to reports.

The study followed 2,433 men and women starting between the ages of 20 and 32 for 18 years. Study subjects were all of normal weight at the beginning of the study. By the end, however, those who had attended a religious function at least once a week were more likely to be obese, posting a body mass index of 30 or higher.

Plastic Surgeon For Autocrats and Dictators

It was well past midnight when the Brazilian surgeon says he was escorted deep inside a bunker in the Libyan capital. His assignment: to shave years off Moammar Gadhafi's appearance by removing fat from his belly and injecting it into his wrinkled face. The Libyan leader also got hair plugs.

The secretive four-hour procedure in 1995 was done, at Gadhafi's insistence, with local anesthesia because he wanted to remain alert. Midway through, the Libyan leader stopped to have a hamburger.  Gadhafi was worried a facelift would be too noticeable, so he opted for the less radical procedure, the plastic surgeon told reporters. 

Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi owes his look to plastic surgery and a hair transplant — work also performed by Ribeiro, according to media reports, though the doctor refuses to confirm that. And rumors swirled about Russian leader Vladimir Putin after he appeared last October with heavy makeup covering bruises under his eyes.

Female Egyptian Protesters Subjected To Virginity Tests

Among those Egyptians arrested at a March 9 Tahrir square protest were eighteen women who now claim that they were "beaten, subjected to electric shocks, forced to undress while soldiers took photographs of them and forced to take a "virginity test", amid threats of being charged with prostitution".

According to the Amnesty International report, one of the women was a journalist who was freed a number of hours later, while the other 17 women were transferred to the El Heikstep military prison.  The 17 other women appeared before a military court and were released two days later, saying that "a number of them were given a one-year suspended prison sentence".

Paglia On "The Last Movie Star"

Camille Paglia extolling the virtues of Elizabeth Taylor, from Salon:

Elizabeth Taylor has been a colossal pagan goddess to me since I was 11 or 12. I was so lucky to have seen her at her height. And my sensibility as a culture critic and as a feminist was deeply formed by her. In the U.S. in the 1950s, blondes were the ultimate Aryan ideal. Perky blondes like Doris Day, Debbie Reynolds and Sandra Dee ruled the roost! And then there was Elizabeth Taylor with that gorgeous, brunette, ethnic look. She looked Jewish, Italian, Spanish, even Moorish! She was truly transcultural -- it was a radical resistance to the dominance of the blond sorority queens and cheerleaders. And then her open sexuality in that puritanical period! It was so daring. She picked up one man after another. The tragedy of Mike Todd being killed in a plane crash -- then her stealing Eddie Fisher from Debbie Reynolds. There's no way to describe the joy I felt at the enormous embarrassment she handed to Debbie Reynolds! I've since come to respect both Debbie Reynolds and Doris Day for what fine comedic actresses they were. But at the time, I couldn't stand them! They represented the saccharine, good-girl style that was being forced on me and my generation by our parents and teachers and every voice in the culture, which was telling us to be like them. Elizabeth Taylor was bad! She was a bad girl! I loved it.

Dallas Wide Receiver Has Droopy Pants

Dallas Cowboys receiver Dez Bryant found himself at the wrong end of the law for not properly covering his butt while at a local mall. Bryant and three of his friends were ejected from the NorthPark shopping center by  two off-duty officers who cited them for having their pants sagging  below their hips, exposing their underwear.

When the officers asked the four to pull up their trousers, Bryant launched into a profanity-laced tirade.  According to the statement, when confronted, Bryant told officers. “What the fuck, you stopped me like I stole something.”  That prompted the officers to escort the four from the mall.

According to information posted on Dez Bryant’s Twitter account – he is not banned and will be “Headed to North Park tomorrow to get these Lebrons….I am not banned from North park lol”

Didn't We Learn Anything From Abu Ghraib?

Spiegel Online is now reporting on a group of rogue U.S. Army soldiers in Afghanistan that killed innocent civilians and then posed with their bodies. After Spiegel published some of the photos, the U.S. military responded promptly with an apology. The suspects are accused of having killed civilians for no reason and then of trying to make it look as though the killings had been acts of self-defense. In total, 12 U.S. soldiers who were part of what has been described as a "kill team" in Afghanistan are expected to go on trial soon.

New Details On The Death Of A Soviet Cosmonaut

Purported photo of  CosmonautVladimir Komarov's remains

On NPR's science blog, writer Robert Krulwich tells a story about a Soviet cosmonaut circling the globe in 1967, convinced he will never make it back to Earth.  According to the story, he's on the phone with a high-ranking Soviet official who is crying because he, too, thinks the cosmonaut will die.

The space vehicle is shoddily constructed, running dangerously low on fuel; its parachutes (though no one knows this) won't work and the cosmonaut, Vladimir Komarov, is about to-- literally-- crash full speed into Earth, his body turning molten on impact. As he heads to his doom, U.S. intelligence listening posts in Turkey hear him crying in rage, "cursing the people who had put him inside a botched spaceship."

This extraordinarily account of the 1967 death of a Russian cosmonaut appears in a new book, Starman, by Jamie Doran and Piers Bizony, to be published next month. The authors base their narrative principally on revelations from a KGB officer, Venyamin Ivanovich Russayev, and previous reporting by Yaroslav Golovanov in Pravda. This story-- should it be proven to be true-- is beyond shocking.

The Vulva That Ate Pennsylvania

According to Scranton police, a woman suspected of burglarizing a local hotel was found to have a sizeable stash of drugs and money hidden in an unlikely location.

As the officer drove her to police headquarters to charge her for drug possession, Officer Baumann noticed Karen Mackaliunas fidgeting in the backseat of the cruiser.

After a struggle with Officer Baumann during a more thorough search at headquarters, Mackaliunas asked to speak with Sergeant Michael Mayer and told him she had hidden more heroin in her vagina.

An additional search of Ms. Mackaliunas' privates by a doctor at Community Medical Center turned up 54 bags of heroin, 31 empty bags used to package heroin, 8.5 prescription pills and $51.22.

More On Danny Snyder's Assault On The Media

Little Danny Snyder (lame-ass businessman and current owner of the Washington Redskins) isn't content with suing season ticket holders or stomping on freedom of the press.  Leaving no stone unturned in his pursuit of alienating every person on the planet, he has a new message to local bloggers and sports reporters:  Stop using the "Redskin" name!

According to reports, the franchise has now asked the Washington Post to drop "Redskins" from the title of their "Redskins Insider" blog.  Although the Post seems to be acceding to the demand, many local reporters are treating it with equal parts derision and ridicule.   See this post for a laundry list of all the ways Snyder sucks as an NFL owner.

Egyptian Bloggers: Fuck Hillary!

A coalition of six youth groups that emerged from Egypt’s revolution last month has refused to meet with Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, who arrived in Cairo earlier today, in protest of the United States’ strong support for former Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak who was ousted by the uprising.

“There was an invitation for members of the coalition to meet Secretary of State Hillary Clinton but based on her negative position from the beginning of the revolution and the position of the US administration in the Middle East, we reject this invitation,” the January 25 Revolution Youth Coalition said in a statement posted on its Facebook page.

In a separate statement provided to an Egyptian newspaper the youth group said “the U.S. administration took Egypt’s revolution lightly and supported the old regime while Egyptian blood was being spilled.”

Happy St. Pat's Day

Airline Passengers With Diarrhea Now More Likely To Suffocate In A Crash Landing

Last month, the federal government secretly ordered every airline in the United States to remove emergency oxygen in every lavatory on all 6,000 domestic commercial aircraft.

Under Air Worthiness Directive 2011-04-09, made public this week, the Federal Aviation Administration directed all airlines to disable the lavatory oxygen generators to "eliminate a potential safety and security vulnerability.”

That means that if there’s a sudden loss of cabin pressure, now only those passengers at their seats will have oxygen flowing to the masks that drop down from the ceiling.

“I’m in shock,” said Kate Hanni, executive director of Flyersrights.org, a nonprofit airline passengers' rights organization. “We get reports of mid-air decompression events all the time. So now going to the bathroom on a commercial flight can kill you? I’m panicking just thinking about this.”

Duck Schmuck Chucked After Yuks Suck

Comedian Gilbert Gottfried tweeted a series of lame jokes about the tragic Japanese earthquake and tsunami over the weekend-- and instead of drawing laughs, it cost him his job. The longtime voice of the iconic Aflac Duck, Gottfried was fired today by the multinational insurance company. A sampling of Gottfried's offending remarks:

"I just split up with my girlfriend, but like the Japanese say, "There'll be another one floating by any minute now."

"I was talking to my Japanese real estate agent. I said, "Is there a school in this area?" She said "not now, but just wait."

What do Japanese jews like to eat? Hebrew National Tsunami.

I asked a girl in Japan to have sex with me. She said, "Okay-- but you'll have to sleep in the wet spot."

What does every Japanese person have in their apartment? Flood lights.

My book was just released in Japan.  It's making quite a splash.

I fucked a girl in Japan. She screamed, "I feel the earth move and I'm getting wet."

Japan is really advanced. They don't go to the beach-- the beach comes to them."

Japan just called me. They said, "Maybe those jokes are a hit in the U.S.-- but over here, they're all sinking."

"Gilbert's recent comments about the crisis in Japan were lacking in humor and certainly do not represent the thoughts and feelings of anyone at Aflac," the company, which does 75% of its business in Japan, said in a statement. "There is no place for anything but compassion and concern during these difficult times."

My New Favorite Website

Hilarious Zach Galifianakis SNL Monologue

The last portion of Zach Galifianakis' monologue on Saturday Night Live is not being made available by NBC due to its controversial nature. Check it out (while it's still available):

Raw Footage Of Japan Earthquake/Tsunami

Wonkette Spin On Bachmann Presidential Run

Scathing commentary on Michelle Bachmann's planned run for the presidency, as only Wonkette can deliver:

"If you need any more evidence these are the end times, here you go: congressional banshee Michele Bachmann is getting closer and closer to deciding she’s going to run for president. Like, president of the United States. Yeah, that one. For real for real. “She is seriously considering running and getting a full team lined up and making sure it’s the right one,” some Iowa Teabgger told CNN. “It will be different than everyone else. She will have a very good team behind her if she does decide to run.” Naturally, her campaign staff will be composed of various hell beasts, nuclear-waste monsters, sharks, and vengeful zombie fetuses with tiny flamethrowers."

So Much For Protecting Mariage And Family Values

Girl Scout Cookies Delivered This Week

Joke Of The Day: Sarah Palin Calls Obama "Inexperienced"

For the most part, I've been ignoring the Silly Filly Wasilla Hillbilly-- she lost her most recent election, she doesn't have a real job and she really doesn't say or do anything that is newsworthy. But this one is too unbelievable to let pass without comment.

Palin-- who's only private sector job (EVER) was 1 1/2 years as a sports journalist . . . who quit her job as Alaskan governor halfway thru her term . . . who has never started, owned or run a business . . . who has never been to graduate school of any kind . . . who has never run a non-profit organization or been a community leader . . . who has never held any federal office or served in any federal position . . . says that President Obama-- former community activist, lawyer, university professor, Illinois state senator, U.S. Senator and current Leader Of The Free World . . . is "inexperienced" in the private sector and government . . .

Please stop laughing and pick yourself up off the floor before you hurt yourself.

Treatment Of Whistleblower Manning Now Bordering On Torture

It should now be perfectly clear to everyone that what the Obama administration is doing to Private Bradley Manning is absolutely despicable. According to his lawyer, the Government has stripped PFC Manning of all of his clothing for the past three nights, and they intend to continue this practice indefinitely. Each night, Brig guards force PFC Manning to relinquish all of his clothing. He then lies in a cold jail cell naked until the following morning, when he is required to endure the humiliation of standing naked at attention for the morning roll call. According to Marine spokesperson, First Lieutenant Brian Villiard, the decision to strip him naked every night is for PFC Manning's own protection.

And what is the rationale for this? Well it seems that Manning has been trying to determine the cause for his retention under "maximum custody and prevention of injury" (POI) watch for a long time now. Even Pentagon Press Secretary Geoff Morrell has stated that PFC Manning has been nothing short of "exemplary" as a detainee. Additionally, government forensic psychiatrists have consistently maintained that there is no mental health justification for the POI Watch imposed on PFC Manning.

When Manning asked what he needed to do in order to be downgraded from Maximum custody and POI, he was told that there was nothing he could do to downgrade his detainee status and that officials simply considered him a risk of self-harm. PFC Manning then remarked that the POI restrictions were "absurd" and sarcastically stated that if he wanted to harm himself, he could conceivably do so with the elastic waistband of his underwear.

True to bureaucratic fashion, that was the excuse Chief Warrant Officer Denise Barnes needed to abuse Manning further. Without consulting any health officials, she used PFC Manning's sarcastic quip as justification to increase the restrictions imposed upon him under the guise of being concerned that PFC Manning was a suicide risk. PFC Manning was not, however, placed under the official designation of Suicide Risk Watch. This is because Suicide Risk Watch would have required a Brig mental health provider's recommendation, which the government wishes to avoid in order to continue their abuse/torture of Manning.

The treatment of Manning is now so repulsive that it even lies beyond what at least some of the most devoted Obama admirers are willing to defend. So now it comes to this-- punishment for whistle-blowers is borderline torture. Let's not forget that-- Manning's alleged "crime" is whistleblowing (a practice that Obama extolled during his campaign and said deserved protection). As many have pointed out, one of the goals of torture is to elicit a false confession. If this were happening under Bush's watch, the world would be in an uproar.

Boehner Isn't Green, He's Orange

For an article in the Wall St. Journal this week, House Speaker John Boehner said that "most Americans don't have a clue" about the long-term costs of entitlement spending. During the interview, the reporter noted that Boehner sipped coffee from a Styrofoam cup-- the kind that had banished from the Capitol as environmentally unfriendly by Nancy Pelosi but recently reinstated by the GOP.

So let's get this straight-- Mr. Orange pontificates about "clueless" Americans while he (obliviously) drinks from a non-renewable styrofoam cup as some sort of status symbol to prove that Republicans aren't green like Democrats. So who's the one who really doesn't have a clue?

TSA: Totalitarian Scanning Authority

If porno-scanners and legalized sexual assault weren't enough for you, now come reports that the TSA has been planning unwarranted body scans of train passengers and unsuspecting folks on public streets.

According to newly uncovered documents, the Department of Homeland Security has been planning since 2006 to deploy scanning units in order to search unsuspecting pedestrians on city streets. Using the same untested backscatter imaging technology currently used in American airports, the TSA has been studying the use of scanners and cameras at the entrances to special events, in roving vans, or mounted on buildings and utility poles, to monitor groups of pedestrians, assess what they carried, and even track their eye movements.

A TSA official responded in a statement that the “TSA has not tested the advanced imaging technology that is currently used at airports in mass transit environments and does not have plans to do so.” It is likely that the studies were never funded due to budget constraints. And as we all know, bureaucracies have very long memories. Once the government gets an idea for something and is not explicitly barred from doing it, it will inevitably happen.

India Curries Disfavor With Another Mismanaged Sporting Event

While it is still dealing with the aftermath of its infamous mismanagement of last year's Commonwealth Games, India is now facing further embarrassment as a result of a ticketing scandal for the Cricket World Cup matches currently being staged in India.

The Cricket World Cup is the premier international championship of men's one-day international cricket, and is the world's fourth largest and most viewed sporting event.

Incredibly, Indian officials left regional cricket associations in charge of distributing tickets for their own matches. This has left the International Cricket Council, the sport's world governing body, in the odd position of not being in charge of a key part of their own event.

Indian officials relied heavily upon online sales, which is another odd decision given that most suburban and rural Indians don't have access to the internet. This resulted in long lines at various Indian cricket venues, where fans waited for days on end to purchase whatever tickets were made available for on-site sale. Prior to a match last month in Bangalore, crowd control police were caught on film beating fans on their legs and backs, provoking widespread condemnation around the world. Many fans have been turned away from the matches, leaving many wondering exactly where all the tickets have gone.

The end result is a huge level of cynicism within the ranks of regular Indian cricket fans. Many are resigned to the fact that if they really want a ticket for an important game they will have to pay exorbitant prices on the black market. Exact figures of just where all the tickets go are elusive. According to one report, thousands of tickets go to paid up members of the regional cricket associations and to the corporate world. Only about 7,000 ever went on sale to the public for the recent India versus England match, which is less than 20 per cent of the stadium capacity.

Javagal Srinath, a former test bowler and current secretary of the Karnataka (India) cricket association caused further embarrassment to the Indian organizers when he admitted that the way tickets were being sold ahead of the England v India game had not really changed from when he was trying to buy them back at the 1987 World Cup. After four years of planning for the event, Indian cricket has produced little more than confusion and disorganization for yet another world-class event.

Four Rare Rhinos Caught On Camera In Indonesia

Images of four of the world's most rare rhinoceroses have been recorded in an Indonesian national park, an environmental group recently announced. The footage from movement-triggered hidden cameras showed two mother Javan rhinos and two calves in Ujung Kulon National Park in November and December last year.

Javan rhinos are one of the world's most endangered species with an estimated population of no more than 50 in Ujung Kulon. A few others live in Vietnam's Cat Tien National Park.

Rhino numbers in Indonesia over the past 50 years have been decimated by rampant poaching for horns used in traditional Chinese medicines and destruction of forests by farmers, illegal loggers and palm oil plantation companies. Last year, three Javan rhinos were found dead within the 297,881-acre park, and one of them was suspected to be the victim of poachers.

American Version Of 'The King's Speech'