Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Maybe Palin Should Stick With Twitter

Sarah Palin is said to have pocketed a $7 million advance for the 400-page memoir she turned in four months early, but her plans to cash in on the lecture circuit have hit a snag, according to the New York Post. Palin, who signed with the top-notch Washington Speakers Bureau, is said to be asking for $100,000 per speech, but an industry expert told the New York Post: "The big lecture buyers in the U.S. are paralyzed with fear about booking her, basically because they think she is a blithering idiot."

Many big lecture venues are subscription series, "and they don't want to tick people off. Palin is polarizing, and some subscribers might cancel if she's on the lineup." Other lecture buyers are universities, which have a leftist slant, and corporations, which dislike controversy."

"Palin is so uninteresting to so many groups -- unless they are interested in moose hunting," said the insider. "What does she have to say? She can't even describe what she reads."

David Vitter On Call

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Uproar Over Some Bloody Contraption

A leading Egyptian scholar has demanded that people caught importing a female virginity-faking device into the country should face the death penalty. Abdul Mouti Bayoumi said supplying the item was akin to spreading vice in society, a crime punishable by death in Islamic Sharia law.

The device is said to release liquid imitating blood, allowing a female to feign virginity on her wedding night. The contraption is seen as a cheap and simple alternative to hymen repair surgery, which is carried out in secret by some clinics in the Middle East.

It is produced in China and has already become available in other parts of the Arab world. Professor Bayoumi, a scholar at the prestigious al-Azhar University, said it undermined the moral deterrent of fornication.

In the meantime, rich Muslims can continue to avail themselves of the more expensive hymen repair surgery.

Not Clear On The Concept

Monday, September 28, 2009

SNL Drops the F-Bomb

You've heard about it-- now watch how it went down on the live broadcast:

Being On Good Terms With Your Real Estate Agent

If you're in the house market (like the Daily Dude), this primer on interpreting real estate listings might benefit you.

1. Baroque = Broken
2. Casual Living = Your neighbors have a refrigerator on their front lawn
3. Charming = Corners don’t line up. Sagging porch.
4. Country Living = Your street will never see a snow plow.
5. Cozy = Cramped
6. Diverse Wildlife = Raccoons will raid your garbage. Bats will roost in your attic. Coyotes will eat your dog. Bears will eat your children.
7. Urban Setting = Ghetto
8. Family-ready = Previous tenants left toys everywhere
9. Historic = Has ghosts
10. Interesting History = Has murderous ghosts
11. Laid-back Lifestyle = Retirement Community
12. Outdoor fire-pit = Previous owner burned the garage to the ground.
13. Private Drive = All your neighbors were eaten by redneck cannibals
14. Quaint = Outdated
15. Quiet neighbors = Cult compound
16. Scenic View = Adjacent Cemetery
17. Spacious = No windows
18. Starter Home = Cardboard box
19. Tree-lined = Welcome to the jungle
20. Unique Layout = Architect was unlicensed and possibly schizophrenic
21. Waterfront Property = Septic tank backs up in spring

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Roman Polanski Double-Crossed By The Swiss

The Los Angeles Times is reporting that Oscar-winning director Roman Polanski was arrested today by Swiss authorities stemming from a 30-year-old conviction on charges of having sex with a minor.

LA prosecutors planned Roman Polanski's arrest at the Zurich airport after learning he would be arriving there to accept a film festival award this week. Organizers of the festival expressed "great consternation and shock" upon hearing the news. On at least two previous occasions, the Los Angeles DA got word that Polanski had made travel arrangements to countries with extradition treaties with the U.S. and prepared paperwork for his arrest-- but on both occasions Polanski found out about the warrants and canceled his travel plans.

The Swiss Federal Justice Department was holding the 76-year-old director in provisional detention while preparations were made to possibly extradite him to Los Angeles to face that 1978 arrest warrant following his conviction of drugging and having unlawful sex with a 13-year-old minor in the home of Jack Nicholson. Facing a prison term, Polanski fled the United States just before his sentencing. But in the ensuing time, the girl, Samantha Geimer, has publicly forgiven him, and, with Hollywood's backing, lawyers have tried over the years to get the case dismissed as recently as last year, arguing among other things that he was psychologically shattered after his wife Sharon Tate was killed by the Manson family.

In Paris, where Polanski fled and now lives, the French culture minister Frederic Mitterrand said in a statement that he was “astonished” by the arrest.

A State That Elects Politicians Like Sonny Perdue and Saxby Chambliss Is A Disaster

From Poncho and Lefty at the Daily Kos, a hypothetical conversation between President Obama and the Governor Perdue of Georgia. A brief excerpt:

"Well, what can I do for you Governor?"

"It's like this, Osama - I mean Obama. I mean Mr. President. It's been rainin' cats and dogs down here for a week. Thought it was the Second Coming. But I know you're an atheist, so I won't bother you with any religion talk."

"I'm a Christian, Governor."

"Do tell. Well that's fine, Reverend Wright - I mean Mister President. Maybe you can help us out."

"How so?"

Well, Mr. Marx - I mean Mister President. I was hopin' you might declare the State of Georgia a disaster area, so we can apply for some federal aid."

"Did you say federal, Governor?"

"That's right boy. I mean sir."

"But isn't this one of those cases where we should get the federal government off of your back? I don't want to offend you with any socialist reform program. Next thing you know, I'll be indoctrinating your kids and slapping your people into FEMA concentration camps."


Meet The Next Leader Of The Right-Wing GOP

A frog that constantly changes color is being worshipped as a God in Kerala, India. Every day, hundreds of people are flocking to Reji Kumar’s home to pray and ask for miracles. Now one of the country’s top zoologists plans to study the rainbow frog. But Reji, 35, who keeps the creature in a glass bottle after finding it while out watering plants, is afraid it might die first.

“My one problem is that this frog does not appear to eat. I keep trying to feed it but it doesn’t eat anything. I don’t know what else to give it,” Reji told reporters. The frog was a dazzling white color when Reji first spotted it. Then it changed to yellow and had gone grey by the time he got it home.“By night the frog was dark yellow, and then it became transparent so you could see its internal organs," Reji, a life worker, reportedly said. "It seemed like a miracle to me that this frog had so many different coats. So now people come to see him and pray to him.”

Professor Oommen V. Oommen from India’s Kerala University, said it was not uncommon for animals to change color. “Frogs do change color to scare away predators," he said. “But from what I have heard, the frog at Kumar’s place changes color so frequently it is a bit unusual.

We Got Your Beck

Watch Glenn Beck try to avoid looking like a racist:

Dust Up In The Outback

If you missed the news last week of the dust storms in Australia, here's an incredible video taken in Broken Hill (in New South Wales)

Croc Of Shit

If you needed any more reason to throw those crocs into the dustbin, here's a tidbit from Maureen Dowd's Saturday NYT column:

The pen-and-tell by Bush speechwriter Matt Latimer, "Speech-less," is being denounced by some former Bushies and Republican commentators as a "Devil Wears Prada" betrayal. Except, in this case, the Devil wears Crocs. Preparing to make a prime-time address explaining why the 2008 economic bailout wasn’t socialism — "We got to make this understandable for the average cat," the president tells his speechwriters — W. pads around the White House in Crocs, an image that’s hard to get out of your head.

In Case You Didn't Know, GOP Men Don't Have Uteri

Sen. Jon Kyl (R-Ariz.) doesn't think the employer health insurance plans should be required to cover basic maternity care. "I don't need maternity care," Kyl said at Friday's Senate hearing. "So requiring that on my insurance policy is something that I don't need and will make the policy more expensive."

Sen. Debbie Stabenow (D-Mich.), interrupted Kyl: "I think your mom probably did."

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Gummi Bear Kama Sutra

Tolkien Troll-Thing Terrorizes Townfolk


Townsfolk from Cerro Azul, Panama are on edge after a strange creature they describe as "Gollum" crawled out of a lake recently and appeared to attack a group of schoolchildren.

According to reports, the youngsters "screamed" when the five-foot creature emerged from a cave and started clambouring over rocks towards them "as if to attack". In a "desperate bid to defend themselves" four terrified boys said they hurled rocks at the strange creature to kill it, afterwards throwing its corpse in the water and running away.

Their disbelieving parents returned to the lake the following day — and were stunned to discovered the beast's body washed up on the shore. Experts have yet to examine the images or make any statements regarding their discovery.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Another Tragic Case Highlighting The Need For Health Care Reform

A California man had his pecker saved from permanent disfigurement after a botched self-administered enhancement procedure.

The unidentified Newport Beach resident got himself into a pickle trying to stretch his dick with some barbells attached to a metal ring. But instead, the ring cut off circulation, causing the organ to swell to five times its normal size and turn black.

According to reports, the penile-challenged dude resisted treatment for as many as three days-- but he eventually relented and allowed experts to remove the ring in a two-hour, ultra-delicate procedure involving a pneumatic chisel that sent sparks flying around the operating room.

Getting Excited Over Cell Phones

Looks LIke Right Wing Extremists Are Getting More and More Out Of Control (as if we didn't already know that)

The Daily Dude is back and sad to report that new developments in the death of Census worker Bill Sparkman are lending further weight to the suspicion that he was the victim of anti-government fringe elements.

The local coroner has now confirmed that Sparkman was found naked, hanged from a tree, with the word "Fed" scrawled on this chest with a felt tip pen. The cause of death was asphyxiation. His hands and feet were bound with duck tape, and his mouth and eyes were taped over as well. His Census ID badge was also found duck-taped to the back of his neck/shoulder.

The incident took place in the Daniel Boone National Forest in Clay County, which MSNBC reports is an area of general lawlessness, accompanied with a deep-seeded mistrust of the federal government.

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